The Countess...?
by Lone Wolfette
Summary: Lenny gets the chance to take the throne, but there's just one problem- everyone there thinks he's married!
1. Chapter 1

**The Countess?**

**ONE**   
Milwaukee Airport, early morning 

Lauren is sitting, with her chin resting in her palm. 

Lauren (mumbling)- Why did I agree to this? 

Lenny (comes over)- I got the tickets! 

Lauren (unenthused)- Whoop-dee-do. 

Lenny (sits next to her)- Awe, c'mon, I thought you got over the flying fear. 

Lauren- I've always said I'd never fly... and I let Shirl be the pilot of my first flight. I'm not afraid of flying, I'm insane! 

Lenny (slaps his hand over her mouth)- Shush! Ya say that too loud and one-a the cops around here will put ya in the looney bin. 

Lauren (takes his hand off her mouth)- Well, atleast then I wouldn't hafta fly, (pause) I thought you didn't like you previous trip to Poland. What changed your mind about going back? 

Lenny- Well, last time I went alone... 

Lauren- And this time you're dragging me along. Other than the fact I'm still terrified of flying, it's a sweet sentiment. 

PA System- Flight 7A now boarding. 

Lauren- 7A again? Is that the only gate number they can come up with? 

Lenny- Who cares!? Let's get going! 

They put their bags on the luggage conveyor (thing). {can ya tell I've never been in an airport... okay, once a long time ago} 

Lenny grabs Lauren's hand and practically drags her onto the plane. They find their seats and sit. 

Lenny- You sure ya don't want the window seat? 

Lauren- No, thanks! I'm gonna be nervous enough here... looking out the window would just make it worse. (she puts her seat belt on and slumps down) 

Lenny- They like it better if ya sit up. 

Lauren- Yeah, well, I like it better if I slump down... So help me, if there's turbulence...! 

Lenny- Boy, you need to calm down, you're practically a basket case! 

Lauren- If you know a sure-fire way that I'll calm down, let me know, or let me be terrified in peace, okay? 

Lenny- Fine. 

They sit in silence for a few moments. 

Lenny- I got it! 

Lauren (looks at him)- Got what? 

Lenny leans over and kisses her. 

Lauren (half-smiling)- What was I worried about? 

  
**TWO**   
in the air, about two hours later 

Lauren's asleep, slumpe down in her seat. 

Lenny is looking out the window. He turns and starts shaking Lauren. 

Lenny- Wake up, ya gotta see this view! 

Lauren (groggily)- What view? 

Lenny- Out the window. 

Lauren- No way! If I get out of this flight, I'd rather believe we never left the ground. 

Lenny- Awe, c'mon! (he gives her that look) 

Lauren (melting)- Oh, alright! I'll look. 

Lauren leans over and looks out. 

Lenny- Ain't it beautiful? 

Lauren- Yeah, it is. 

Lenny- Not as much as you. 

Lauren- Was that just because I'm leanin' over ya here? (sits back) You're lovin' this, not havin' the others around, aren't ya? 

Lenny- Yeah. 

Lauren- Thought so. 

  
**THREE**   
Poland (somewhere), airport, next day 

Lauren and Lenny come out the front doors with their luggage. 

Lauren (points to hr right)- Lookit that! 

Lenny (looks where she's pointing)- A limo? Wow! 

Lauren- I take it they didn't letcha near a limo the last time. 

Lenny- You're right... I never saw one. 

They start walking towards it to take a closer look. 

Lauren (sees the sign the driver is holding)- Ya know, that's actually ours! But why does it say "Kosnowskis"? (glares at Lenny) 

Lenny (gives her a genuinely confused look)- I dunno. (pause) Let's find out! 

They go over to the driver, then get in the limo. 

Lauren- I can't believe all this! 

Lenny- Yeah, there's no fuzzy dice. 

Lauren ignores his comment and looks out the window. 

  
**FOUR**   
a few minutes later 

The limo pulls up in front of a beautiful mansion. {think either the Stratton's mansion on Silver Spoons or Wayne Manor on Batman} 

Lauren and Lenny get out and just gawk at the mansion. 

Lauren- Holy lenoleum, lookit this place! 

Lenny- It's gotten bigger since last time. 

The driver leads them into the mansion and then goes back outside, leaving them in the foyer. 

Lauren- Oh my goodness! 

A man comes into the room. 

Man- Welcome! 

Lenny- Didn't I see you last time? 

Man- Yes... Leonard, right? 

Lenny- Lenny! 

Lauren grins and turns away to look at a painting. 

Man- Of course. 

Lenny- And you're... I forgot. 

Man- Jonathan Wondoloski. 

{I didn't make up the name... his students called him "Wondo"... I was in his class 2 or 3 days & he always remembered who I was after} 

Lenny- Oh, yeah! 

Jonathan- Sorry about calling on you on such short notice, but we thought we would offer you a second stay and hopefully it will be more to your approval. (looks at Lauren, who is wandering off, looking at paintings) I think she approves. 

Lenny- Well, I've seen all these already, she hasn't. 

Jonathan- Right... Does she have a name? 

Lenny- Yeah, that's Lauren. 

Jonathan- Lauren... that's a very pretty name. 

Lenny- She likes it. (to Lauren) You can look at the rest later, we're talkin' 'boutcha over here! 

Lauren looks at him, then walks back over. 

Lauren- The paintings are beautiful... um, sorry, I didn't catch your name. 

Jonathan- Jonathan. (pause) Let me show you where you will be staying. (starts towards the stairs) 

Lauren and Lenny follow. 

  
**FIVE**   
upstairs 

Jonathan opens a door to reveal a beautiful bedroom. 

Jonathan- I will be back in a few minutes after you have gotten situated. (goes down the hall) 

Lauren and Lenny go into the room. 

Lenny- Atleast this is the same room I had last time. 

Lauren- It's beautiful. (continues scanning the room) Uhh... (goes over and sits on the end of the bed) one room, one bed? (pause) You're sleepin' on the floor! 

Lenny- Maybe there's a cot or som'en in the closet. (goes over and looks in the closet) Nope, no cot. 

Lauren- I've got a really odd feeling about this whole situation. 

Lenny- Why? 

Lauren- First, there was the limo driver's sign and now a one, queen size bed... what does that add up to? 

Lenny- Three? 

Lauren (slaps her forehead)- No, you dope, they think we're married! 

Lenny- So? 

Lauren- So?! That's prob'ly the only reason they letcha come back here! (pause) I don't believe this. (lies back and stares at the ceiling) First the flight and now this. 

Lenny (goes over to the side of the bed)- Let 'em think that! We prob'ly won't be here long enough for it to make a difference, anyway! 

Lauren- yeah, but that's not fair to you and it really isn't fair to me. 

Lenny- C'mon, we don't even know if that's what they really think! Umm... it could be coincidence. 

Lauren- I'm not gonna letcha read the dictionary anymore. (sits up) Len, I'm 99% sure that's what they think and I'll also bet we may not be leaving that soon. (pause) I know I should be happier to visit since I am part Polish, butI wanna go back to Milwaukee. 

Lenny (sits next to her)- But what if they actually offer me the throneship? 

Lauren We'll cross that bridge when we get there. 

There's a knock at the door. 

Lenny- It's open. 

Jonathan (comes in)- I hope you have found everything satisfactory. 

Lenny stands up and pulls Lauren up with him. 

Lenny- We love it... What now? 

Jonathan- There are some papers downstairs in the library I need you to look at. 

Lenny- Okay, let's go! 

Jonathan turns and leaves. Lauren and Lenny start to follow, then Lauren stops Lenny. 

Lauren- What're ya doin'? 

Lenny- I'm goin' along with this until we figure out why they really asked me back here. Would ya mind playin' along atleast that much? 

Lauren- Well... (sees the pleading look on his face) okay, I'll go along. 

Lenny- Great! (grabs her hand and drags her out of the room) 

  
**SIX**   
night 

Lauren is sitting in a chair, writing in a notebook. She's wearing her usual nightshirt with the L and shorts. 

Lenny comes out of the bathroom and sees her writing. 

Lenny- Whatcha doin'? 

Lauren- I figured as long as we're here, I'll jot down a few things about what we do, where we go, stuff like that. (pause) I think I've got everything for now... You don't mind me using the bed, do ya? 

Lenny- Naw, I don't mind... maybe I can make that chair comfortable. 

Lauren- I'll go find ya a blanket. (gets up, plops her notebook in her open suitcase, and goes over to the closet) 

A few moments later, Lauren emerges with a blanket. 

Lauren (hands him the blanket)- Here ya go. Take you of the pillows, here, too. (goes over, picks up a pillow, comes back, and hands it to him) I dunno, I still think that Jonathan thinks we're married. 

Lenny- I thought we did this already? 

Lauren- Well, then how come I had to sign stuff, too? Ya gotta admit he gave me a pretty weird look the first time I signed my last name. 

Lenny- Maybe he don't realize you're independent. 

Lauren- We're not getting anywhere with this. Let's just get some sleep, okay? 

Lenny- Alright. (sits and starts getting settled on the chair) 

Lauren goes over to the bed, pulls back the covers, sits, and turns off the light. 

There is just enough moonlight coming through the window curtains that you can still see where they are and that Lenny's fidgetting, trying to get comfortable. 

A few minutes later... 

Lenny- Lauren, could ya turn on the light? 

Lauren (obviously tired)- Why? 

Lenny- My leg cramped up, I think I'm movin' to the floor. 

Lauren reaches over and clicks on the light. She continues to lay there and stare at the ceiling. 

Lauren- Lemme know when you're on the floor. 

Lenny gets up and brings the balnket and pillow over next to the bed. He plops the pillow on the floor, then spreads out the blanket. 

Lauren (looks to her right)- Can I turn the light off now? 

Lenny- Umm... yeah, I guess. I just gotta get rid of this cramp. 

Lauren turns off the light and rolls over onto her left side. 

About a minute later, Lauren feels something against her back. She shoots up and turns on the light. 

Lauren (sees Lenny with his foot on the bed)- You're not gonna let me sleep, are ya? 

Lenny- Sorry... 

They hear footsteps from outside the door. 

Lauren- Great! Now see what you've done! That's prob'ly Jonathan comin' to see what all the noise is! 

Lenny- Quick! Turn off the light! 

Lauren turns off the light and Lenny jumps across the bed, landing on the other side of Lauren. 

Lauren- What the heck do you think you're doin'? 

Lenny- Shh! Prtend to be asleep! 

The door opens an inch for a few seconds, then closes. They wait a few moments. 

Lauren- Some privacy. 

Lenny- Maybe he was expecting it to be locked. 

Lauren- True. 

Silence. 

Lauren- Len? 

Lenny- Yeah? 

Lauren- Are you on or under the blankets? 

Lenny- Uhh... (checks) under. 

Lauren rolls right out and turns on the light. 

Lauren- Don't do that! 

Lenny (ignoring her remark... sorta)- Bed's comfortable. 

Lauren- Lenny, don't make me hafta hurt you. 

Lenny grins at her. Lauren goes over, kneels on the bed, grabs a handful of his shirt, and pulls him up. 

Lauren- I'm serious. If ya wanna stay on the bed, atleast sleep on the sheet, then you can use the rest of the blankets, okay? 

Lenny- You don't trust me? 

Lauren (lets go of his shirt)- I trust ya... I'm just not too sure of me. 


	2. Chapter 2

**The Countess  
Part 2**

**SEVEN**   
morning 

The alarm clock comes on. 

Lauren reaches over blindly and starts hitting everything, looking for it. She finds it and accidentally knocks it on the floor. 

Lauren (groggily)- Len? 

Lenny replies with that noise he kept making in "The Note". 

Lauren (sits up and looks at him)- That clock didn't wake 'im up. Well, guess I'll hafta try the other wake up call. (leans over and kisses him... right on the lips) 

Lenny- I'm awake, but I'll fall asleep if ya wanna do that again. (smiles) 

Lauren- That's okay. I think the fact I let ya stay on the bed should be enough. 

Lenny- Yeah, I might not've gotten any sleep. Thanks. 

Lauren- I did that so I could get some sleep. 

Lenny- Gonna share again tonight? 

Lauren- Len, it's too early for smut thoughts, okay? (pause) I'm goin' in the bathroom. 

Lauren gets up, goes over to her suitcase, picks up a pile of clothes, and goes in the bathroom. 

Lenny- Boy, she really gets up a man's goat. 

O.S. Lauren-I heard that! 

  
**EIGHT**   
later that morning 

Lauren is sitting in the gazebo, looking at the lake. 

Lauren (to herself)- Good thing I brought alot of film! Laverne's gonna love lookin' at these pictures. (starts clicking a few pictures) 

Lenny comes over and slumps down next to her. 

Lauren- What's the matter? 

Lenny- If he makes me sign one more thing, I'll beat 'im to a crisp! 

Lauren (smirks)- That's just one of the many things you'll be doing. (seriously) Listen, this is just a trial run. Besides, do you really want the throneship? 

Lenny- Really? 

Lauren- Really. 

Lenny- No, besides, I'm startin' to doubt that the 88 in front of me all got wiped out by a plague, that was Squig who said that anyway. 

Lauren- Well, then let's try to get atleast a vacation outta this. 

Lenny- Okay. 

Jonathan starts over to the gazebo. 

Lauren 9quietly)- Here he comes. 

Lenny (quietly)- He's gettin' to be as dreaded as the plague. 

Jonathan (comes over)- How are you enjoying the grounds? 

Lauren- It's beautiful. 

Uneasy silence. 

Lenny- How come ya asked me back here? 

Lauren- Subtle. 

Jonathan- Two reason, really. One, we have not been able to contact any of the next 11 behind you and two... her. 

Lauren shoots Lenny the 'I told you so' look. 

Lenny- 'Scuse me? What's Lauren go to do with this? 

Jonathan- Well, you are married, aren't you? 

Lauren rolls her eyes. 

Lenny- Who told you that?! 

Jonathan- A Mr. Squiggmann. 

Lauren (quietly)- I'll hurt him... 

Lenny- You've got the wrong idea. We're not married, she's my girlfriend. 

Jonathan- Then that causes a slight problem. 

Lenny- Huh? 

Lauren- Now what? 

Jonathan- The last papers you signed this morning gave you the throne and one of the stipulations is you must be married. That is the reason why there has been mo one for the last year. Our last Count was not married and dies with no one to claim the throne. 

Lenny- So let's just tear up the papers and we'll go home. 

Jonathan- Those are binding contracts. You must meet every stipulation before you can do anything like stepping down. To get out of the contracts, you must get married. (turns and walks away) 

Lenny- I don't believe this guy! 

Lauren- Let's skip the country! 

Lenny- What? 

Lauren- Sorry, but he said you've gotta meet all the requirements before you can do anything... so wouldn't that include the marriage thing? 

Lenny- Black loop hole? 

Lauren- No kidding. 

Lenny- It looks like the only legit way to get outta this, though. 

Lauren- What? 

Lenny- Get married. 

Lauren sits there, silent. 

Lenny- Lauren? 

Nothing. 

Lenny- If we do this, I can get outta the contracts, and then we can get out of it. 

Still nothing. 

Lenny- Well? 

Lauren gets up, walks towards the mansion, and goes inside. 

Lenny- Is that a yes or no?! 

  
**NINE**   
bedroom, a few minutes later 

Lauren is laying face-down on the bed, silent. 

Lenny (comes in)- Lauren? (nothing) You who? (goes up next to her) Hey, you!? 

Lauren turns her head and gives him a look that could kill. 

Lenny (backs off)- Sorry. (pause) What's the problem? 

Lauren- I don't know why I let you talk me into comin' with you. What I do know is when we get back to Milwaukee, Squig is a dead man! 

Lenny- Okay, so we got painted into a corner... but it won't take much to get outta this. 

Lauren (mockingly)- Awe, no! Not much at all! Ha! (normal) Are you nuts? (pause) Stupid question. marriage is a bonding contract in itself and whether it gets us outta this or not, I'm not playing along! 

Lenny- If you go along with this, we could be on a plane to Milwaukee tomorrow! If not, who knows how long we'll be here. 

Lauren- Tomorrow?... Well... 

Lenny- Please!? (gives her that pleading look again) 

Lauren- Awe, Len, why do ya do this to me? 

Lenny- C'mon...! 

Lauren- Oh... I'm gonna hate myself for this... okay, I'll play along. 

Lenny (excited)- Yippee! (runs out the door) 

Lauren (to herself)- Let's just hope he forgets about what usually comes after the ceremony... (looks down) Let's hope they don't mind jeans. 

  
**TEN**   
Milwaukee, Laverne & Shirley's apartment 

Kristin is sulking on the couch. 

Kristin- Lauren's so lucky it drives me nuts! 

Shirley- True, but you have to remember who she went with. 

Laverne- I can't believe we couldn't go! An' why was Squig so persistent about getting Lauren to go anyway? I'da thought Squig woulda weazled his way into it. 

Shirley- I wonder if he's up to something. 

Kristin- Squig? Naw, what could he possibly have in mind? 

The phone rings. 

Laverne- I got it! (goes over and picks up the receiver)Hello? (listens) Hi, Lauren! 

Shirley and Kristin rush over to Laverne. 

Laverne- What's with the music in the background? (listens) What? I think I heard you wrong. I thought you just said... (listens) What!? (listens) Why!? Who!? (listens) I'll kill 'im for ya! (listens) Try to call again tomorrow, okay? (listens) Bye. (hangs up the receiver) 

Kristin- What's wrong? 

Laverne- Squig did have a little plan. 

Shirley- Well, what did Lauren say? 

Laverne- As it turned out, they actually let Lenny take the throne... but the only way they could get outta there and come back to Milwaukee was... Oh, I can't say it! 

Shirley- Laverne, spit it out! 

Laverne- To get outta all the contracts Len signed... without reading 'em, I might add, they had to (deep breath) get married. 

Shirley's jaw drops. 

Kristin- That's ridiculous! 

Laverne (starts for the door)- I got a funny feeling Squiggy's about to have a small accident! (leaves) 

Kristin (waves her hand in front of Shirley's face)- Nothin'. 

  
**ELEVEN**   
Poland, midnight 

There's a full moon out. It's so bright, it lit up the whole yard, including the gazebo. 

Lauren is sitting on the grass near the gazebo. 

Lauren (looking at the ring)- Mom and dad better never find out about this, they'll disown me. (shakes her head) I told Laverne, now she prob'ly won't leave enough of Squiggy for me to do som'en to him... Yeah, leave tomorrow. (shakes her head again) Sure, Len. (sighs) Unbelievable. (holds her hand out and looks at the ring shining in the moonlight) Boy, I hope that ain't real gold. Gold plating would be too much. (pulls her knees up and rests her head on them) 

A few minutes later... 

O.S.- I fell asleep like that once... they hadta untie me the next morning. 

Lauren looks to her right and sees Lenny sitting next to her. 

Lauren- You know I'm not happy about this. 

Lenny- I know. 

Lauren- You know I'm not happy they're not letting us leave tomorrow? 

Lenny- I know. (pause) But I got power over them. We can leave anytime! 

Lauren looks at the ring again. 

Lenny- My finger's got a green ring on it already. 

Lauren (smiles)- You always do this! Whenever I try to be mad at you and be serious, you say som'en like that. How do ya do it? 

Lenny- It's a gift. 

Lauren- Could I ask just one thing... seriously? 

Lenny- What? 

Lauren- When we get back to Milwaukee, what are we gonna do about this? (holds up her hand to point out the ring) 

Lenny- Yeah, I guess we should do som'en. 

Lauren- It's not that I don't love ya, I do, but I'm not ready for (points at the ring) yet. Ya know? 

Lenny- Yeah, I know. (pause) We'll get outta here, back to Milwaukee, and take care of this. (pause) Some honeymoon. 

Lauren- I was hoping you didn't remember that. 

Lenny- I didn't mean it like that... 

Lauren- Hm. Well, we are alone out here... 

They look into each other's eyes and start making out. 

{author fans herself... again} 

  
**TWELVE**   
Milwaukee, next day 

Laverne has just hung up the phone. 

Laverne- Good news! They're on their way back this afternoon and should be here tomorrow morning! 

Shirley- Good! I'm sure Lauren wants to get her hands on Squiggy. (glares at him) 

Squiggy (holding an icepack on his d)- I'm sorry! geez, I didn't think it'd actually happen! 

Kristin- Com'on, haven't ya picked on him enough yet? 

Carmine- No, I haven't gotten to him yet... Shirl won't let me. 

Shirley- I don't like violence! 

Carmine- Ya let Laverne beat him up! 

Shirley- I was in shock! I didn't know she left! 

Laverne- Okay, okay, enough already. I admit, I flipped out a little, I'm sorry, but I had another thought. What do we do now? I mean, we don't know what they're gonna do. 

Kristin- Well, what did Lauren say? 

Laverne- She said anulment... and I know she's got every right, but I dunno if she can actually decide to do that. guess we'll hafta wait and see. 

  
**THIRTEEN**   
plane, in the air 

Lauren- I'm amazed they actually gave you that contract. 

Lenny- Yeah. It says if I ever wanna come back and claim the throne, I can... but only if I'm married... Why is that still in there? 

Lauren- Speaking of which, do we have a definite decision about what to do about that? 

Lenny- Well... (looks at the contract, then tears it up) I won't need this. 

Lauren- I was hoping you'd do that! 

Lenny- So... ya don't mind flying this time? 

lauren- Huh? (realizes) I never had the chance to remember that fear! Why'd ya hafta mention that? 

Lenny- Sorry 'bout that. 

  
**FOURTEEN**   
Milwaukee airport, next day 

Lauren and Lenny are walking through that tunnel-type thing. 

Lauren (quietly)- If they've got anything embarrassing waiting for us... 

Lenny- Boy, you're in a bad mood. 

They go over and meet with the rest of the group. 

Lauren- Squiggy! 

Squiggy- Oops, time to go! 

Carmine grabs his arm. 

Lauren- Thanks, Carmine. (to Squiggy) I'll deal with you later. 

The group starts out of the airport. 

Laverne goes over to Lauren. 

Laverne- So, is it really true? What you said over the phone? 

Lauren (holds up her left hand)- Whadya think? (pause) Don't answer. You're thinkin' along the lines of... your favorite phrase? 

Laverne- What phrase? 

Lauren- You know. 

Laverne- No. 

Lenny (butts in)- Vodey-yo-doe? 

Lauren slaps her forehead. 

Laverne- That phrase! (pause) Well? 

Lauren (quickly)- No! 

Laverne- Just wonderin'. 

  
**FIFTEEN**   
Laverne & Shirley's apartment, later that day 

Lauren- Has anyone found the phonebook yet? 

Kristin- Nope. 

Shirley- Not yet. 

Laverne- Don't dial the operator, they make ya pay more for the call. 

Lauren- Why does no one have a phonebook when ya really need it? 

Laverne- Maybe it's a sign you shouldn't do this? (smirks) 

Lauren- Just keep looking, please! 

The door opens. 

Carmine- I found ya a phonebook. 

Lauren runs over, grabs it from him, grabs the phone, and sits on the couch. 

Carmine- You're welcome. 

Kristin- Ugh. I'm gonna go see if Squig's still in one piece. See ya later. (leaves) 

Carmine (to Shirley)- Wanna go see a movie? 

Shirley- Okay. 

They leave. 

Laverne just stands where she is. 

Lauren- ...later this afternoon? Oh, that's great, thank you! (hangs up the receiver) Now, to see if Len will go willingly. (gets up and starts past Laverne) 

Laverne- Wait. 

Lauren- Yeah? 

Laverne- You didn't completely agree on this, did ya? 

Lauren- No, why? 

Laverne- Well, this is sorta reminding me of when Len had that crush on me... 

Lauren- Yeah, I remember you told me about that. 

Laverne- Just be nice... and make sure there's no coffee table nearby and don't let 'im sit on your legs. 

Lauren (smiles)- Thanks, Vernie. (leaves) 

  
**SIXTEEN**   
Lauren & Kristin's apartment, late night 

Kristin (about to get in her bed)- So, how'd it feel to be married for two days? 

Lauren (writing in her notebook from earlier)- Not all that different, really. Of course, the whole trip was kinda weird anyway. 

Kristin- Ya gotta tell me all about it tomorrow, okay? 

Lauren- Okay. (puts her notebook on the far nightstand) 

Kristin gets into her bed and turns on her side, with her back to Lauren. 

Lauren reaches into a pocket and pulls something out. She turns the light out. The moonlight coming through the window curtains is reflecting off the ring on her left hand. 

  


THE END :)~ 

  



End file.
